Kristallnacht
by Kamikakushi
Summary: "Life is like the night of broken glass." The last thoughts of Kaworu in the 25th episode before he is killed by Shinji. He unravels human nature and the human desire for a utopia. Goes along with the lyrics of "Remember Me" by Sarah McLanchlan. R+R


  
  


  
  
Disclaimer: Evangelion and all its entities belong to Gainax. The fic is written by Tsubasa and based on Jia's old essay. Those writes are reserved. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_**Kristallnacht**_

  
  


"Night of Broken Glass" 

  
  
  


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The aspects of life and its properties are perhaps the most difficult to comprehend. People strive each day through a place they both wish to be and not at the same time. When life is good, to them that moment is pure perfection. But whenever it goes wrong, their perspective changes. And perhaps, at that moment they would do something so drastic just to end that pain they are feeling at that moment. The damages they cause by just this action, by this plea of taking away the pain and suffering, they would start a chain of events that would possibly go on for a generation. What is this human nature? 

  


_I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories_

  
I have watched this civilization my entire life. Watch it become what it is now, and know of what it was. If I could say that this was utopia, then I would neither be lying or telling the truth. It all comes down to what one thinks the world is. I have often wondered what it would be like if certain events in history had not occurred, what would have the outcome showed different? Or perhaps, this was just the way things were supposed to be. Perhaps some are meant to die, some are meant to live, some are meant to love, and some are meant to suffer. Maybe this was how fate balanced out everything. 

  
Have you ever wondered what would it be like to live in a utopia? A place where everything was possibly what one would wish it to be. This would be what some might call Heaven. But, I think, a utopia and Heaven are completely two different places. A utopia is a place experienced on Earth, and Heaven is the world of the dead. But if this utopia already existed, then why would there be a need for Heaven? Why would there be a need for death? We look at death in a way of a reward, much like the Egyptians did in ancient times. The ones who did good in their lives deserved a happy afterlife, that meant, if you lived to pleas others, then you would be rewarded. On the other hand, if you didn't deserve a happy afterlife, if you did bad things, then you didn't deserve that Heaven, that utopia in which you searched for your entire life and did all those wrongs for. 

  


_Remember the good times that we had?   
I let them slip away from us when things got bad   
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun   
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one_

  
I see many wrongs in this concept of what one would consider good or bad. Ponder this, if a man would steal to feed hungry children, not of his blood, for he is nothing in this world, to help them, would that be a bad thing? Many would consider it so, for the merchant he stole from looses money, and wrong is done to him. But the other side of the story is not told. The hungry children who need food, but gets none, receives this nourishment from this nothing of a man. What does this mean? What would transcribe as good or bad? This concept of evil people have created to save themselves, does this statement ring true anymore? No longer is evil evil, and no longer is good good. The words play out, and simply cause this state of mind created for us. We can no longer pass that border and think of what it truly means. 

  


_I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories_

  
Would one really think that the murders belong in the same pen as the ones who seek deathly vengeance? Would the killers die by the hands of more killers? Death become an annulment, a simple truth that is waiting at the end of the yellow brick road. Just waiting for you to reach it through your journey, and see what you deserve. What you deserve, only your heart can tell you. No one else can, for many not think alike, and each would give their own answers. And only deep within your heart, in a place you don't know exists, can you find your afterlife, can you then understand this concept of life and this desire to find a utopia. 

  
They say the greatest treasure of life is love. An everlasting love that is true to both members. One would think wrong that a person cannot love two at the same time. Many would see the line that is cut for the love of a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. Many would think wrong for the love of a brother and sister. But love is love, many would think. There is another case to this. Love comes in many forms; I have come to understand. The love between family, the love between treasures, and the love between two people. However still, love is the greatest portion of human life. The time you spent loving something, someone, is the most precious moments of life, the most perfect, and those moments you would find utopia. 

  


_I'm so tired but I can't sleep   
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep   
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word   
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard_

  
Ah, but they also say that love is a sin. Love makes you do things that you would not normally do. Love allows you to do what you crave, and would cause you to destroy some things. And another aspect of life is shot done. Love is another road one takes to reach the final song of the opera, for love is an utopia one reaches for, and never comes close for love is too much like a spider web for one to really understand it. Love is pure, and love is like the wine in your glass. This emotion many crave for their entire lives would like be another's destruction, for love does many wrongs. And it remains a dream to find the perfect love, to find an utopia. 

  


_I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories_

  
Hope is possibly humanity's greatest strength, and also its greatest weakness. The desire of hope, for something one cannot reach, is so strong either way. You can hope for what you might never get, and come to a closing door of always dreaming and never realizing the loosing battle, and you can hope and gain what you desire and reach your ultimate goal. I have watched this society crumble, and even I hope that it would change. And I can see why, why this emotion, this desire, is possibly the aspect of life that will take us to our utopia, for it is that place of perfection do we all agree on reaching. For it is only that place that everyone desires to be. In life, not death, and be happy. 

  


_I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose   
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose   
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night   
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light_

  
But life is like the night of broken glass, where all can be taken or broken. Nothing is strong enough to hold out against others. Hope cannot hold out against love, and love cannot hold out against hope. Good might win against evil, and evil might win against good. Nothing can overcome everything. There is a weakness. And there is no strength, for everything is like glass, and no matter how thick you make it, it can always be broken. 

  


_I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories_

  
Life is a utopia, for the pain and suffering that befalls on us, the happiness and joy and is showered to us, makes life what one could possibly want, what one might hope for, for neither is good, and neither is bad. Everything is the way it is meant to be, and we are escaping utopia and trying to find something that doesn't exist. Kristallnacht is a whisper of words that will one day come to mean nothing to anyone, and people will finally understand that the aspects of life is already there and that the utopia they hope for they already live in. So there would be no longer a fear for death. No longer a fear for the shattered glass. And there will no longer be that desire to struggle, for once you find your place, you are safe. You are free. 

  


_I will remember you   
Will you remember me?   
Don't let your life pass you by   
Weep not for the memories   
Weep not for the memories_

  
  
  


[Fin]

  
  


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Editor's Note: This is based on Jia's old essay for English class, and after re-watching the ending of Evangelion, I decided to rewrite this and make it into a Kaworu mind prospect. This is thought of as the last remaining thoughts in Kaworu's head before Shinji kills him. Those moments in the second last episode when Shinji doesn't move and simply holds Kaworu is what this piece is meant for and transcribes his thoughts, some of my own and Jia's. A friend of mine after reading Jia's old essay suggested the title, Kristallnacht, for she mentions that life is like broken glass. The lyrics are by Sarah McLanchlan and from the her song "Remember You". I thought it would be fitting for both Kaworu and Shinji. I apologize and understand that this might be confusing, but understand it was born from an essay and not an old fic, and the formality of the style of writing is just me. Jia is not normally formal, as one could understand. Thank you for reading this, and please, do review. 

  
Tsubasa 

  
  
  
© 2003 by Tsubasa and Jia Z. 


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